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Laughter from the Front Porch Swing

The Lighter Side of Life on the Farm

 



 

 

Just my luck

Driving home tonight I accidentally hit a turkey. It flew off my car and landed on the car behind me, which happened to be a police car. He pulled me over and gave me a ticket for flipping him the bird.


Career ID

A cowboy named Bud was overseeing his herd in a remote pasture in Texas when suddenly a brand-new BMW advanced toward him out of a cloud of dust.

The driver, a young man in a Brioni® suit, Gucci® shoes, RayBan® sunglasses and YSL® tie, leaned out the window and asked the cowboy, "If I tell you exactly how many cows and calves you have in your herd, Will you give me a calf?"

Bud looks at the man, obviously a yuppie, then looks at his peacefully grazing herd and calmly answers, "Sure, Why not?"

The yuppie parks his car, whips out his Dell® netbook computer, connects it to his Apple iPhone4S®, and surfs to a NASA page on the Internet, where he calls up a GPS satellite to get an exact fix on his location which he then feeds to another NASA satellite that scans the area in an ultra-high-resolution photo.

The young man then opens the digital photo in Adobe Photoshop® and exports it to an image processing facility in Hamburg, Germany.

Within seconds, he receives an email on his Palm Pilot® that the image has been processed and the data stored. He then accesses an MS-SQL® database through an ODBC connected Excel® spreadsheet with email on his Blackberry® and, after a few minutes, receives a response.

Finally, he prints out a full-color, 15-page report on his hi-tech, miniaturized HP LaserJet® printer, turns to the cowboy and says, "You have exactly 1,586 cows and calves."

"That's right. Well, I guess you can take one of 'em," says Bud.

He watches the young man select one of the animals and looks on with amusement as the young man stuffs it into the trunk of his car.

Then Bud says to the young man, "Hey, if I can tell you exactly what your business is, will you give me back my animal?"

The young man thinks about it for a second and then says, “Okay, why not?"

"You're a U.S. Congressman," says Bud.

"Wow! That's correct," says the yuppie, "but how did you guess that?"

"No guessing required." answered the cowboy. "You showed up here even though nobody called you; you want to get paid for an answer I already knew, to a question I never asked. You used millions of dollars worth of equipment trying to show me how much smarter than me you are; and you don't know a thing about how working people make a living - or about cattle, for that matter. This is a herd of sheep."


Weather forecast

If a cow pie has frozen by Labor Day, it will be a cold fall. If there's snow on the roof, there will be some on the ground, too.


I'd be surprised too

A group of college students visited a local farm. After the tour, one of the students said to the farmer, "Your methods are too old fashioned. I'd be surprised if this tree gave you more than twenty pounds of apples this year."

"I'd be surprised, too," said the farmer, "That is an orange tree."


Not that you'd ever notice it

(this joke is a bit lengthy, but well worth the time)

A young bachelor farmer from the Eastern Shore of Maryland had developed a reputation for being a perfectionist. When planting corn, the rows had to be exactly 16 and a half inches apart . . . . not 16 and a quarter, not 16 and three quarters . . . . but exactly 16 and a half inches. When he built a new wooden fence for his horses, the top rail of the fence had to be exactly 48 inches from ground level at all points. Neighbors would drive by and see him out in the field several time a week measuring the top rail of the fence with a laser device and they would just shake their heads. Make no mistake about it, this bachelor farmer was a perfectionist.

When he turned 23 years old, he decided there were no suitable young ladies for him anywhere on the Eastern Shore. He dated dozens of young women from Pocomoke City to Dover and never seemed to find that one perfect woman. There was always something that disqualified a girl from being his perfect mate.

So he decided to travel out to the corn belt and see if he could find the ideal farm girl, the one that was perfect in every way. He drove the back roads of Iowa, Illinois and Indiana where he scouted for the perfect woman. While traveling through southern Nebraska one afternoon, he came upon a quaint, well-kept little farmstead where three young ladies were outside enjoying the brilliant, sunny day. He stopped and discovered the three young ladies were all sisters . . . and all were single. They were beautiful, intelligent, feminine in some respects and tom-boyish in other respects. They were knowledgeable about life on the farm and seemed to be fine, outstanding young ladies. So he decided to ask the girl's father if he could date them . . . one at a time of course. He told the father he was looking for his perfect bride and the father responded that all three girls were indeed available.

So he took the first sister out and had the time of his life. She was bright, witty, and fun to be with. But when he returned the girl home, he told the girl's father that, although she was very close to perfection, she was just a wee bit . . . not that you'd ever notice it . . .  pigeon-toed.

He then took the second sister out on a date and the two had a great time, talking into the wee hours of the morning and hitting it off wonderfully. But when he returned this sister home, he told the girl's father that, she also was very close to perfection, but she was just a wee bit . . . not that you'd ever notice it . . . cross-eyed.

So finally he took the third sister out and knew immediately that he had found the perfect woman. In every way, she was the bride of his dreams.

So they got married a few weeks later and moved back to the Eastern Shore of Maryland where they established their home. Life was good. The corn harvest was huge that fall and prices were better than anyone had seen for several years. Everything seemed to be going perfect, especially when the couple found out they were expecting their first child. The pregnancy went well, and the following summer, the couple gave birth to a healthy baby. But when the new father looked at his child for the first time, he determined this was the ugliest baby he had ever seen. "How could this happen? I went to all that trouble to find the perfect wife and now she gives me this baby that has to be the ugliest child on the planet." The young man was clearly upset.

He immediately got into his truck and drove all the way to the Nebraska farmhouse where he confronted the girl's father and demanded an explanation.

The father responded "Well, you may not have noticed it . . . it was ever so slight . . . . but when you married her, she was just a wee bit . . . not that you'd ever notice it . . . pregnant."


"Why some men wear earrings"

A farmer was at a diner one day having lunch when he noticed an old friend. What really caught his attention was that this friend was wearing an earring.

The farmer knew his old buddy to be a fairly conservative fellow, and was curious about his sudden change in "fashion sense."

The farmer walked up to him and said, "I didn't know you were into earrings."

"Don't make such a big deal, it's only an earring," the fellow replied sheepishly.

The farmer was silent for a few minutes, but then his curiosity got the best of him and he asked "So, how long have you been wearing one?"

"Ever since my wife found it in my truck," the man replied.


"City Slickers and Watermelon"

Two farmers were having a great day at the local farmers' market. Farm trucks were loaded down with fresh, local produce and customers were in a buying mood.

But the mood changed when one farmer turned to his neighboring vendor with a disgusted look on his face. He said "I just don't know what we are going to do about these city slickers. Especially the ones that come from the big city."

"What's wrong with city slickers?" asked the other farmer. "They are our best customers. Heck, that last fellow bought two watermelons from you didn't he?"

"Yeah I guess you are right," said the farmer. "But it just galls me every time I sell a watermelon to a city slicker. Especially when they ask me how to peel it."


"You Don't Know Sheep"

"Johnnie."

"Yes, teacher."

"If there are twenty sheep in a field, and one gets out through a hole in the fence, how many sheep are left in the field?"

"None, teacher."

"Johnnie, there are still nineteen sheep left in the field. Obviously you don't know arithmetic."

"Sorry, teacher, but I do know arithmetic. Obviously you don't know sheep."


Sign in a restaurant window just outside Martinsville, VA:

"DON'T STAND THERE AND BE HUNGRY; COME IN AND GET FED UP"


"Three-legged chicken"

A man was driving along a rural road when he realized he had to make a phone call. He had forgotten his cell phone was miles from a pay phone so he decided to stop in at the next farmhouse he found.

As he was approaching a house he noticed a three-legged chicken racing along the road. He followed the chicken and clocked it at 45 miles per hour.

When the man got to the farmhouse he asked the farmer about the chicken. The farmer replied, "W'all, when I was at the uneeversitee I studied geenetics. 'Round these parts we love chicken and we're all partial to the drumstick, so I thought I'd see if I could make a three-legged chicken. So, here 'tis."

The man was quite impressed. He asked, "How does it taste?"

The farmer replied, "Don't know. Ain't none of us been able to catch one yet."


"Shepherd's logic"

A few years ago, some folks from the Humane Society and the U.S. Forest Service were at a farm meeting presenting an alternative to West Virginia sheep producers for controlling the coyote population. It seems that after several years of the farmers using the tried and true methods of shooting and/or trapping the predator, the animal rights folks had a "more humane" solution.

What they proposed was for the coyotes to be captured alive, the males castrated and let loose again and the population would be controlled.

All of the shepherds at the meeting thought about this amazing idea for a couple of minutes. Finally, an old boy in the back stood up, tipped his hat back and said, "Son, I don't think you understand the problem. Those coyotes ain't screwin' our sheep - they're eatin' 'em."


"Let me guess"

A man was walking along a road in the quaint countryside of Franklin County, Pennsylvania and came across a farmer and a huge flock of sheep. He told the shepherd, "I will bet you $100 against one of your sheep that I can tell you the exact number of sheep in this flock."

The shepherd thinks it over; it's a big flock so he takes the bet.

"973," says the man. The shepherd is astonished, because that is exactly right. He says "OK, I'm a man of my word, take an animal." The man picked one up and began to walk away.

"Wait," cried the shepherd, "Let me have a chance to get even. Double or nothing that I can guess your exact occupation." The man thought for a moment a said "sure."

"You are an economist for the federal government," said the shepherd.

"Amazing!" responded the man, "You are exactly right! But tell me, how did you deduce that?"

"Well," said the shepherd, "put down my dog and I will tell you."


"Nice gift"

Just after the Christmas holiday, two retired farmers were having coffee at the town diner in Accomac, Virginia. One gentleman spoke up, "I just got the best Christmas gift ever - the finest hearing aid money can buy."

The second man asked, "What kind is it?"

The first man, looking at his watch, replied, "It's 2:30."


"The Old Farmer's Mule"

An old hillbilly farmer had a wife who nagged him unmercifully.

From morning till night (and sometimes later), she was always complaining about something. The only time he got any relief was when he was out plowing with his old mule. He tried to plow a lot.

One day, when he was out plowing, his wife brought him lunch in the field. He drove the old mule into the shade, sat down on a stump, and began to eat his lunch. Immediately, his wife began haranguing him again. Complain, nag, nag; it just went on and on.

All of a sudden, the old mule lashed out with both hind feet; caught her smack in the back of the head. Killed her dead on the spot.

At the funeral several days later, the minister noticed something rather odd. When a woman mourner would approach the old farmer, he would listen for a minute, then nod his head in agreement; but when a man mourner approached him, he would listen for a minute, then shake his head in disagreement. This
was so consistent, the minister decided to ask the old farmer about it.

So after the funeral, the minister spoke to the old farmer, and asked him why he nodded his head and agreed with the women, but always shook his head and disagreed with all the men.

The old farmer said: "Well, the women would come up and say something about how nice my wife looked, or how pretty her dress was, so I'd nod my head in agreement."

"And what about the men?" the minister asked.

"They wanted to know if the mule was for sale."


"One Man's Farm Pond"

An old farmer had owned a large farm for many years. He had a huge man-made pond out back with a beautiful picnic area, For years it was the perfect place to unwind or hold a family get together. As the farmer grew older, his "Oasis" was used less and less. It eventually became the local swimming hole and while his neighbors occasionally took advantage of the pond, he rarely made an appearance.

One evening the old farmer decided to go down to the pond. He hadn't been there in a while and felt the urge to pay a visit to check on things. As he neared the pond, he heard loud playful voices giggling and laughing. As he came closer he was astonished to see that a bunch of young women had decided to skinny dip in his pond.

He made the women aware of his presence and they all went to the deep end of the pond. One of the women shouted to him, "We're not coming out until you leave!"

The old man replied, "I didn't come down here to watch you ladies swim or make you get out of the pond naked. I'm here to feed the alligator."


"Nice Truck"

Two farmers meet up in a bar during a agricultural convention. One from PA the other from TX...

PA: Back home I got a 40 acre spread!

TX: Aw, heck you ain't got nothin' - why my spread in Texas is so big that I get in my pickup in the morning and I don't get to the other side of my ranch until the sun goes down!

PA: Yeah, I used to have a pickup truck like that....


If a cow laughed really hard....  would milk come out of her nose?


What do you get when you cross a cowpie with a lawyer?

A lawyer.


Horse & Buggy Technical Expert

An Old Order Mennonite lady is trotting down the road in her horse and buggy when she is pulled over by a police officer. "Ma'am, I'm not going to ticket you, but I do have to issue you a warning. You have a broken reflector on your buggy."

"Oh, I'll let my husband, Jacob, know as soon as I get home."

"That's fine. Another thing, ma'am. I don't like the way that one rein loops across the horse's back and around one of his balls. I consider that animal abuse. That's cruelty to animals. Have your husband take care of that right away!"

Later that day, the lady is home telling her husband about her encounter with the cop.

"Well, dear, what exactly did he say?" asked the husband.

"He said the reflector is broken." replied the lady.

"I can fix that in two minutes. What else?" asked the husband.

The wife replied, "I'm not sure, Jacob . . . Something about the emergency brake."


Good Firemen

A fire started in a pasture near a farm in eastern North Carolina. The fire department from a nearby city was called to put out the fire. The fire proved to be more than the city fire department could handle, so someone suggested that a rural volunteer fire department be called. Though there was doubt they could be of any assistance, the call was made.

Five minutes later, the volunteer fire department arrived in a dilapidated old fire truck. They drove straight towards the fire and stopped in the middle of the flames. The volunteer firemen jumped off the truck and frantically started spraying water in all directions. Soon, they had snuffed out the center of the fire, breaking the blaze into two, easily controllable parts.

The farmer was impressed with the volunteer fire department's work and so grateful that his farm had been spared. The next day he presented the volunteer fire department with a check for $1000.

A local news reporter asked the volunteer fire captain what the department planned to do with the funds. "That should be obvious," responded the captain. "The first thing we're gonna do is get the brakes fixed on that there fire truck."


New Poultry Farmer

A new farmer goes into a farm supply store and orders two hundred chicks, explaining to the owner that he wants to start a poultry operation. Two weeks later, he returns to the store and buys another two hundred chicks. The owner is curious, but doesn't say anything. The same thing happens when the farmer returns in another two weeks for another two hundred chicks.

When he returns for the fourth time, the owner's curiosity is too much for him, so he asks the new farmer why he keeps coming back for so many chicks. The farmer says, "Well, I guess I must be doing something wrong, but I don't know what. I think I'm either planting them too deep or too close together."

Bemused by his lack of success, the farmer sends off a report of what he has done to the local extension office, asking for advice. Three weeks later, the reply comes back, saying simply, "Please send soil sample."